I re-watched my Diary of an Alchemist: Chapter 1 video after filming it and realized… geezus, that was so much work! I’m awesome for having tackled alllllllll that!      Daily.       For years.      

No wonder I feel like Shadow Work is my calling. Because who in their right mind does 6 years of Shadow Work for fucking fun?!

The funny thing is - well, sad, actually - the way I thought of myself during those 6 years of doing Shadow Work was that I was “less-than” my peers.                                                                                                                                                                   Inadequate because I had all this work to do.    So far behind.    I worried that I’d always be a work-in-progress.

It’s wild how our perception of ourselves can be so inaccurate when we’re standing inside the picture frame of our own lives. We have to be able to stand outside the timeframe of our present moment to get perspective on the totality of who we are. Not to mention who we are within Humanity, and within this moment of Humanity’s History.

Part of what I’m loving about doing my youtube series “Diary of an Alchemist” is that this is its own journey. Going through the cave of Shadow Work was a journey. And now, I have exited the existential cave of Shadow Work. I’m sitting cross-legged in a grassy meadow, just outside the cave. The skies are a beautiful blue. Not a cloud in sight. I’m in a safe, holding space in life before I move on from this area.

I’m looking back at where and how far I’ve come. Who I was. Used to be. Wanted to become. Had to become. Became. And marveling at the entirety of the process led by…… myself…. my Higher Self…. the Universe…. Spirit…. the Collective Unconscious… Divine Timing… and whoever-else-knows.

Steve Jobs has this quote, “you can’t connect the dots looking forward. You can only connect them looking backward.” Well Steve, that’s what I’m doing now.

I don’t know why I feel called so strongly to tell my Story. I don’t know where it’s leading me. I don’t have a plan for the future. oh, I have dreams, for sure! But this time around…. unlike when I burned out at my job in 2018 because my Ego was in the driver’s seat…. this time around, I’m letting my Intuition call the shots. I’m trusting a Flow greater than my own perception of this limited-but-beautiful present moment.

I suspect that telling my Story will help me solidify all that I learned. Similar to how reviewing the notes you took in History class will help solidify facts, before you take the test. What test am I taking? idk.

I also expect (because I’m already experiencing it), that the Love I have for myself will deepen immensely as I remember everything I went through. More than the actual events that happened, what will actually have an impact on me will be: reading about myself, picking myself up, time and time again, after experiencing terrible heartache, or white-hot rage, or disappointing setbacks, or aching grief, or ecstacy so blissful that grounding back to subpar reality felt maddening. Because how can you not love a human who has been through so much and continues to strive toward their dreams?

And my hope is that this is where I can be a mirror for you. For anyone who listens to my Story.

My experiences are not unique to me. We all go through it. We all have to pick ourselves back up. And continue forward. It’s not that we “went through difficulties” that makes us great. It’s not even that we “choose to get back up and try again” that makes us great. It’s that we keep loving ourselves anyway.

Even when we’re messy. Even when we’re angry. Even when we’re shattered and doubting and unsure. What makes us great is the fierce tenderness with which we hold ourselves through it all.

It’s the quiet decision that we make a thousand times over: to believe that facing the hardship is worth it in order to let the beauty in our story blossom.

If you’d like to watch my Diary of an Alchemist Vlog series, click here.

If you’d like to learn more about Shadow Work, click here.

If you’d like to learn more about Emotional Healing, click here.